No Fun With Dick and Jane, a Primer
Cheney's Got a Gun! 
Ad Man Dick.
Dick gets downsized.
Dick Heads Suck.
Dick Passes Gas; Jane Passes Out.
Nigerian Prince.
Jane can sew.
Getting old with Dick and Jane sucks
Ass Crack Dick.
Dick's Enhancement
Scootin' sucks.
Getting old with Dick and Jane sucks. |
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Look. Look. See. See. Not so fast. Dick can't pee! |
Jane can sew. |
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Sew, Jane, sew. Jane can sew! See Jane sew. Oh Dick, Dick, Dick! Jane said, “Where’s my needle, Dick?” Dick said, “What did you call me, bitch?” Jane said, “Needle dick.” Dick said, “Needle dick? Needle dick? Hell I have a hypodermic dick!!” Jane said, “Hypodermic or hippopotamus?” Dick said, “I’m not sure.” Jane said, “I'll call you Needledick, Dick.” Oh no! That Sucks! That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane. |
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Dick Heads Suck.
Oh, Dick.
Oh, oh, oh.
Dick has a head!
See Dick’s head.
Look, look, look.
Look at Dick’s head.
Dick head, dick head, dickhead!
Dick doesn't want to be a dickhead.
Do you want to be a dickhead?
Oh, no! That Sucks! No one wants to be a dickhead.
That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.
Dick Passes Gas; Jane Passes Out.
Dick said, “Listen, Jane. Hear, hear. But don’t sniff, don’t smell! My three poker buddies, Tom, Dick, and Harry and I are having a crepitation* contest - a fartin’ contest! Points for style! Points for substance! But disqualified for soiling yourself!”
Jane said, “Get the hell out of the doublewide. Now. All of you. And you too, Spot. Farting and licking your nuts. You learned all your bad habits from my brother, Dick.”
Dick said, “Wait, Jane. Just because I lost my job doesn’t mean I want to sit around in the doublewide and listen to your insults. We’re going to crepitate. Fart, if you will.”
Jane said, “Dick, you lost your jobs in telemarketing and advertising because you were pissing in the coffeepot. Now get out! I don’t want to hear another sound from you, especially from your rectum.”
Dick said, “No, Jane, my poker buddies and I are going to commence to crepitate.”
Jane said, “Oh, no, Dick! You’re going to commence to die!”
Oh, no! That Sucks! That’s NO fun.
No fun with Dick and Jane.
*Dawson, J. Who Cut the Cheese? A Cultural History of the Fart.
Berkley, California: Ten Speed Press, 1999.
Dick gets downsized.
The boss said, “Look, look, see, see!
It’s videotape showing an employee taking a pee!
In the company coffee pot! It’s that son-of-a-bitch Dick with his cock in his hand!
Dick, you’ve got some 'splainin' to do.”
Dick said, “I was making fine Europeein’ coffee, sir!”
The boss said, “Oh, funny, Dick. You're fired!”
Poor Dick. No job. No benefits.
Just a coffee carafe for the doublewide!
Oh, no! That Sucks!
That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.
Scootin' sucks. |
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Dick said, “Spot, get the fuck out of the double wide!” Jane said, “Now! And quit licking your ass!” Spot said, “Woof! I’ll go see Scooter.” Play, Spot, play. Play with Scooter. See Scooter scoot! Scoot, Scooter, scoot! Scooter can scoot! Itch, itch, itch. Ass itch! Scooter has tapeworms! That’s why he’s draggin’ ass. Now Spot does, too. Could Dick be next? Oh, no! That Sucks! That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane. |
Nigerian Prince.
“Help, help, Mr. Dick,” said the Nigerian prince.
“All my relatives have died and I must remove money from my homeland. Please help me, Mr. Dick.
I need your assistance and full cooperation. You can have 20% of $12 million.
I just innocently and truly need your banking information, Mr. Dick.”
Dick said, “Would e-mail be OK?”
Two days later, the Nigerian prince said,
"Look, look, you lousy loser.
You have no savings account.
You have $4 to your name.
You were fired for peeing in the coffee pot at work.
You have nothing for me to steal. This scam is over!!”
Dick said “Oh, no! That sucks!”
That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.
Ad Man Dick.
The advertising boss, Mr. Pekkerkorn, said at Dick’s interview:
“Look, look, see, see, Dick. Your reference told me you like to pee. In the coffee pot!”
Dick said, “Look, look, see here. If I get the job I just won’t pee.
But would it be ok if I only peed in the client’s coffee pot, sir?”
Pekkerkorn said, “Oh, I’ve done it many times. You’re one of us. Welcome to advertising!
In advertising it doesn’t matter what you do, but only how you look while you do it!”
Dick said, “I can be shallow and take credit for other peoples’ work, and blame the client when creative concepting fails.
Oh, yeah! And I can overbill. And ignore deadlines!”
Pekkerkorn said, “Dick, you’re our new creative boss! And a VP to boot!”
Dick said, “Thank you sir, I won’t let you down!!!!!!!”
(Dick lets the boss down.)
Pekkerkorn said, “Dick, you’re fired on your first day of work!
You’re supposed to piss in the client's coffeepot, not ours.
You chronic carafe wetter! I drank your piss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re fired!”
Dick said, “Lousy luck!”
Oh, NO! That Sucks.
That’s no fun with Dick and Jane!
Dick Enhancement.
Dick said, “Look, Jane, look! See, Jane, see!
It’s all natural, Sis! It promotes healthy erectile function!
It’s a tested formula! I got it on the Internet!
I’ll have my vigor back and improved sexual performance! Grrrrr!
It’ll put fire back into my lovemaking!”
Jane said, “Yeah, asshole. Now all you need is a girlfriend, Bro.
That vinyl blow-up doll in your bedroom doesn't give a rat’s ass about your sexual performance.”
Dick said “Oh, no! That sucks!”
That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.
Ass Crack Dick.
Look, look, Jane, see, see!
It’s a newspaper job ad that is meant for me!
I hate that boss what fired me for pissing in the coffee pot, see?
I lost my self-esteem, I lost my ego, I lost my will to masturbate.
The ad says I, too, can be a plumber if I go to plumber’s school.
I’ll proceed at my own rate. I can plunge with the best of them,” said Dick.
Jane said, “You’re out of your f’ing mind.
Your only qualification is an ass crack,
and believe me, I never want to see that.
But I see your face, so what’s the difference, Dick?"
Two weeks later Dick and Jane are waiting with fetid breath
at the International Brotherhood of Plumbers and Pipefitters graduation.
Dick said, “Jane, I’m going to graduate with honors.
Summa cum Plumba! I’ll be the Grand Plumba!”
Jane said, “I bet you win the ass crack award.”
The Dean said, “Dick, you got a A+ in ass crackery,
but you failed the course! Summa cum idiot.
Now don’t ever darken our doors again.
And take that plunger off your face!
Now let’s all sing “You Raise Me Up by Josh Groben. Hit it!
Hey Dick, you're not raisin’ with us.”
Jane said, “That was predictable.”
Dick said, “My career is ruined!? Oh, no! That Sucks!”
That’s NO fun with Dick and Jane.
Cheney's Got a Gun!
It’s a letter from Dick Cheney, the US VP!
It says he wants to go hunting with me!”
Jane said, “Right. Are you sure it doesn’t say he wants to hunt you?”
Dick said, “Oh ye of little faith. We’re buds. We’ll be hunting little birds; I think they’re called quail.”
Jane said, “I bet he pulls out his weapon of mass destruction from some undisclosed location, probably his pants, and shoots you in the tail.”
Dick said, “Tut, tut, Jane. No, no. He’s an avid, careful hunter, just like John Wayne.”
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF THE DOUBLEWIDE.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President of the United States of America!
VP Dick said, “Dick, are you ready to go hunt quail like a man?
The rest of the gang are sitting in the van.”
Dick said, “Yes, sir. By the way, where did you learn to shoot, Vietnam?”
VP Dick said, “Er, no. I had more important things to do than go to Vietnam.”
Dick said, “More important than serving your country?”
VP Dick said, “Yes. I was fighting the war on terror. In Wyoming.”
Dick said, “Hey, VP Dick, that shotgun makes you look a lot like Elmer Fudd.
Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit.”
VP Dick said, “Shut up, Dick, unless you want a one-way ticket to Cuba.
You think you’re gonna get many quail with that slingshot?”
[OUT IN THE GAME RANCHES OF TEXAS, VP DICK AND DICK HUNT QUAIL.]
VP Dick yelled, “Duck, Dick! Duck! Get outta my space!”
Oh, no! Dick didn’t duck! Cheney got him in the face.
Dick screamed, “OW! You shot me! You peppered my face with your shotgun pellets!”
VP Dick said, “I bet the media tries to make something of this. Probably activist judges, too. ”
Dick said, “OW. How come Secretary Rumsfeld didn’t give me no body armor? ”
[AT THE DOUBLEWIDE, LATER THAT DAY.]
VP Dick said, “Jane, here’s your brother. I shot him in the face. It was all his fault; he got in my space. Farm-raised quail aren't so active; stuffed they sit on a shelf. He got in the way of my gun, now he can go fuck himself. Shock and awe, Jane, shock and awe.”
Jane said, “Mission accomplished! Well, Dick, I said he’d shoot you in the ass, but he shot you in the face, then again, what’s the difference?”
VP Dick said, “Remember, Dick, keep quiet about this or we’ll be wiretapping your phone, looking at the web sites you visit, and seeing what books you check out of the library.”
Dick said, “We don’t have a phone or a computer and I can’t read, so I guess you can go fuck yourself. ”
Oh, no! That’s NO fun!
No fun with Dick and Jane.
