Life isn't a utopia, it's a sucktopia. Rigorous scientific studies have shown that most things in life suck. For starters, 10 out of 10 people die. You will be in the losing study group.
Here are a few more cosmic constants. Your boss is a breathtakingly stupid butthole who takes credit for your best work. Your co-workers are professionally inept and socially repugnant. Your family is a stunning collection of ill tempered, dimwitted misfits, psychos, and felons. While you're getting older and sicker, your medical insurance flat out sucks. Your government taxes you to death. Evildoers want to send you to hell wearing gasoline-soaked underwear. Face it, most people are failures. They also suck.
Get ready to soar with the seagulls. We're experts; we've been lowering standards and excelling in underachievement since 1954.
Peace and stay on your meds.
-- The Suckmeister, Doctor of Psuckology
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THAT SUCKS is a trademark/service mark and may not be used without prior written permission.
That Sucks ™ is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
A. Satire, parody, and humor, pure and simple. And maybe a little windmill tilting. Or, no point would be good, too.
A. Contact me from the home page. BTW: 58% of the people who write me are wretches like you. Another 26% are knaves, followed by 25% imbeciles, 24% complete fools, 24% incomplete fools, 12% stalkers, and 6% “other.”
A. No. The economy is slower than a paralyzed penguin with prostate disease. Not enough jobs and too many bosses. And too many worthless politicians who won’t do a damn thing for anyone but themselves and their rich, corporate friends. All of that sucks, which is why we are here.
A. Funnily enough, no. We started out with a laudable one: “To celebrate tomfoolery and empower buffoonery” but realized that it was a lie we couldn’t live with. So we tried a new lie: “We’re here to make money and have sex with hot women,” but we thought that would piss women off, so we shortened it to “We’re here to make money,” but thought everyone probably would know that anyway. We may have some misery statements down the road.
A. One that I’m proud of and find fulfilling? No.
A. These are desperate times, so probably. To prevent me from becoming a felon, and you my potential victim, send money to That Sucks now. Tell your friends to do the same. Tithing would be a wonderful way to show your support for That Sucks and keep latent criminals like me off the streets. For those who don’t know, tithing is a modest 10% of your gross income.
A. When I was three, my mother used to repeat the immortal words of Dean Vernon Wormer from Animal House as he was addressing Flounder about his semester grades: “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” During the ensuing 20 years, I’ve gotten fatter, dumber, and drunker. Twenty years of inebriation can blunt the pain of a mother who believes you belong in an R-rated comedy about a raucous fraternity. Now if she had suggested an X-rated one I might have become something special.
A. Depending on whether she’s had a recent blood meal, she’s about the same size as HRM Rex Goliath, the 47-lb chicken who graces the bottles of HRM Rex Goliath Wines, depending on whether he’s had a recent wine meal (www.rexgoliath.com).
A. Since Mike’s head died in 1945, and his body in 1947, no. But in a recent resurrection from two graves (One for his head and one for his body. OK, we made that up, only his body was exhumed.), Mike declared his candidacy for president. We think he has more to say about the issues than the rest of the candidates combined. And he certainly has more head horsepower.
A. No, and that inability has only cost me three jobs.
A. I don’t know. I’ve never eaten one.
A. Nope. You bought it, you own it. We’re not customer friendly and you shouldn’t expect us to be. Do you know who invented “customer service?” It wasn’t us. We’ll address customer service on the timeline of things that suck later. Our policy sucks. We know it and that’s what you should expect from us.
A. No. We only send out misfortune cookies.