4.5 billion years ago - Earth created. This is just a reference point. The earth was created around 4.5 billion years ago, except in Kansas, where it was created 8,000 years ago, give or take 2,000 years, thanks to the Kansas Board of Education and its endorsement of creation “science”. If you’re from Kansas, fast-forward a few billion years.
Billions of years ago - Weasels, snakes, skunks, rats, and other vermin emerge. Politicians, lawyers, salesmen (especially used car, door-to-door, and aluminum home siding), human resources personnel, business executives, journalists, and advertising personnel emerged from the primordial slime and made a pact to prey on innocent people. The slime part never went away.
Billions of years ago - First boss emerges. History doesnt record who the first boss was, but were sure of one thing. The day the first boss showed up for work coincided with the day the first brownnoser showed up firmly attached to his ass. Probably, the first boss crawled out of primordial slime as a snake, skunk, weasel, rat, or other vermin, looking for someone to blame for his mistakes and for his golden parachute.
Billions of years ago - Suck ups show up. Ass kisser, brownnoser, apple polisher, sycophant, flatterer, toady, fawner, suck up. Every office has at least one. In school, they’re the ones who rush up to the teacher after a lecture and ask inane questions that will be covered next time. History records that the first suck up was a weasel named Timothy who crawled out of the primordial slime billions of years ago. He was the first “yes man” in advertising. All flatterers suck except one: In 1983, Flatterer became the first horse to win steeplechasing’s triple crown. BTW: The Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz had a brown nose. What’s that about?
Billions of years ago - Suctoria emerged. Suctoria are a subclass of one-celled animals (protozoa) that live in fresh and saltwater. They are also called suctorians. More prudish strains are termed Victorian suctorians. Those that excel academically are called valedictorian sucktorians. And so forth.
Billions of years ago - Death sucks. Or so were told. Dying is the equivalent of giving up oxygen for Lent. When you see the grim reaper galloping up on a black horse holding a scythe and an hourglass, your hopes for living should fall faster than a strippers panties in the VIP room. Statisticians tell us that 10 out of 10 people will die. Those arent good odds, but a sucker would probably take them.
Billions of years ago - Farts, the dark side of digestion, discovered. Who was the first one to shoot air out of his (her) ass? Probably the first lawyer, politician, boss, human resources person, or advertising executive after emerging from the primordial slime. If you were from Kansas, where the world is about 8,000 years old, a better bet would be Adam or possibly Eve; however, no farting was allowed in the Garden of Eden. Or so were told. BTW: The first movie about farts played to sellout audiences billions of years ago. It was called the Stench Who Soiled Christmas.
Billions of years ago - Back drafts were discovered when Ed, the first rat to emerge from primordial slime, decided to light the first fart. The yellow flame shot out of his ass three feet, setting the entire primordial slime on fire due to the unusually high concentration of sulfurous swamp gas. Ed was seen slinking off with a grin on his face. Back drafts suck oxygen toward a fire, exploding gases and rekindling the fire. Not a good thing in a building, forest, or colon.
Billions of years ago - Quicksand discovered. Some people say quicksand won’t “suck” you down. We prefer to believe otherwise because we’ve seen countless movies, mostly westerns, in which the hero faced this peril and prevailed. Besides this is our website and we can write the truth as we see it. We also would like to see a movie involving “not-so-quick sand”, also known as “slow sand” or possibly concrete.
2 billion years ago - Suckfish/hogsucker/sharksucker/whitesucker emerge. These are fish that may suck and have suck in their names. As a group, they are the official That Sucks’ site fish. Would you want to be a sharksucker? Not us.
400 million BC - Lungs. The first fish to develop lungs were the lobe-finned fish and lungfish. Lungs and then legs, gave these early amphibians a competitive advantage over water-dwelling fish. The lungs and airways of these fish and of mammals bring in fresh, oxygen-enriched air and rid the body of carbon dioxide. When animals inhale, the diaphragm and muscles between the ribs contract, expanding the chest cavity. Consequently, lung pressure falls below outside air pressure. Air is then sucked into the lungs following high to low pressure, which inflates the lungs. Sucking can be fascinating.
125 million years ago - Goatsuckers / sapsuckers emerge. Birds that probably don’t suck, but have suck in their names. As a group, they are the That Sucks’ site bird.
Millions of years ago - Octopuses emerge. Octopuses have eight arms (tentacles) with about 250 suckers on each arm arranged in two rows. For the math impaired, thats 2,000 suction cups per octopus. Thats a great deal of sucking capacity.
Millions of years ago - Fleas emerge. Fleas have probably been around for millions of years. Fleas suck blood. That’s why they rate a mention here. These wingless insects have strong legs for jumping or pole vaulting. Several thousand varieties are found in the world. The first literature reference to a flea circus, in which trained fleas did the work of animal and human performers, occurred in 1828 in the UK. The entertainment was wisely shared with persons in the US. Back then, flea circuses entertained royalty and affluent Americans. Now, rich persons bemuse themselves with drugs and debauchery. We long for the old days of fleas and mange mites.
Millions of years ago - First weapon invented. History doesnt record who invented the first weapon, but history is very clear that defense contractors showed up that very afternoon to invent cost overruns and gouge those who wanted to create more and bigger weapons.
Millions of years ago - First snowfall. Later that day, Grog, a cave-dwelling free spirit, was the first guy to write his name in snow with his own urine, which of course is better than writing your name in snow with someone elses urine. Grog was a can-do kind of guy. His accomplishment is even more remarkable considering that the alphabet wasnt invented for several million more years.
5.5 million years ago - Lice emerge. Researchers studying DNA (thats the stuff OJ didnt have) from lice infesting people and chimpanzees think lice from these two species stopped breeding 5.5 million years ago, when chimpanzees and people (or what passed for people then) also stopped breeding. (We were shocked to learn this because we thought there were plenty of people still having sex with monkeys today. You know who you are.) Scientists think lice became more common when people started wearing clothes 70,000 years ago. These pesky, wingless insects come in two basic varieties: biting and sucking. We prefer the sucking kind. Obviously. Head, body, and crab lice infest people. Pthirus pubis, the crotch cricket of love, is the beloved crab louse. Many (but not enough) prominent Americans have died of crab louse infestation. Just kidding. Unless of course they were the ones who shaved off half their pubic hair (also common today) and set the remaining half on fire as they stabbed the scurrying insects with an ice pick, or so the joke goes. But was it a joke or just “therapy”?
5.5 million years ago - Ticks and mosquitoes emerge. Ticks are blood sucking, external parasites found on mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians. Approximately 850 species have been described. Ticks transmit all kinds of nasty stuff you dont want to get like Lyme disease. Search engines on the Web let us down when we tried to determine how old ticks were. Mosquitoes? Well, we just hate them. Does the Web suck or what? It doesnt if you buy shit from us.
2.5 million years ago - Baby pacifiers were invented. Theres no proof of this, but distraught parents, even knuckle rubbers would have figured this out. Ergo the date. Regardless of whether your baby is a boob guy or girl, there are times when he or she just wants to suck and not necessarily nurse. We understand that completely. Pacifiers were invented for these occasions, though we have no idea by whom or when. Just a smart woman probably.
2.5 million years ago - Thumb sucking. Happened a long time ago (about as long as dogs have been licking their ass), unless youre from Kansas. Ultrasound shows that babies suck their thumbs before they are born. The activity is apparently calming. We have no idea who invented thumb sucking. Were pretty sure it was the first baby and not Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky. So, unless you live in Kansas, were guessing this happened millions of years ago. If you live in Kansas, thumb sucking was invented last Thursday.
2.5 million years ago - Suck off. To receive oral sex. Although history doesnt record the exact date, the first episode of oral sex occurred when the Italian Fellatio Blowjobini succumbed to the advances of Connie Linguini in the Old Stone Age. Also see 1992-2000.
2 million years ago - First song written. History doesn’t record who wrote or sang the first song, but it is well documented that music critics and rap artists released their poisonous critiques and “musical” versions within the same timeframe, probably that very afternoon.
100,000 BC - First real estate agent emerges. The first real estate agent was a cavewoman named Binkie. Binkie was widely credited for inventing the system of property half-truths we have to this day. For example, if she had a housing development consisting of five caves sitting on a swamp she would call the development something like the “Condominiums of Whispering Country Estates on Driftwood Shores”. She also had a knack for misrepresenting flaws. A roof leak might be termed “a quaint intermittent indoor waterfall”. She might have said a neighborhood had “good Christian values”, when in fact the neighbors were zealots who would baptize you with fire. Literally. Or, she might portray the neighbors as people who “liked sports and barbecue”, when in reality, they were sporting in the sense that they would tirelessly hunt you down and liked barbecue in the sense that they were incorrigible cannibals who liked ribs and brisket. Yours. Things haven’t changed much, have they?
100,000 BC - Exclamation point invented. To this day, realtors can’t communicate effectively without the emphasis provided by exclamation points. Scientific studies prove that no other profession uses more. Therefore, Binkie, being the first realtor, invented the first punctuation symbol to assist in writing her ad copy. Here’s a faithful replication of her first ad:
Cave for Sale in the Exclusive Estates of Turdell Heights Area!!!! New on market!! One room! Wow!! New dirt floors! Dirt walls! Wow!! Dirt Ceilings! Large two-story entrance! Wow!! Only two previous occupants: A family of bears and a family of semi-erect apes!! Excellent hunting and gathering opportunities! Wow!! Walking distance to outdoor plumbing! Only five saber-toothed tigers in immediate area! Wow!! Must see to believe! Motivated monkeys anxious to sell!!!!!!
100,000 BC - Binkie becomes the first realtor in history to sell 59 cents worth of property annually. What a gal!!
35,000 BC - Sucking in ones gut. Grok, a Cro-Magnon man, walking erect, was the first man to suck in his gut to impress a female. He did this to impress a Neanderthal hottie who was also walking erect. Soon Grok was erect in more ways than one.
35,000 BC - Homeowners associations were created. Grok, the first Cro-Magnon man to purchase a cave in the Plantation Retreats of Cedar Ridge Farms, and his lovely Neanderthal bride, Condoleeza Marie, were the first people to be sued by a homeowners association. Their crime? Their caves roof was made of dirt and stone and it should have been cedar shingles. Previously, the couple tried to file a tree insurance claim when they lived in a tree in the Burnished Oaks of Nottingham Crest subdevelopment, but the claim was denied because insurance was not invented until 3000 BC.
20,000 BC - Tar pits. Tar pits sucked wooly mammoths to their death so we would have enough gas and oil for SUVs.
6,000 BC - Advertising agencies emerge. DNA studies document that advertising had its roots in primordial slime billions of years ago, and the slime part remains to this day. Larry the weasel emerged from the slime, looked around, and concluded that he could get paid large sums of money by tricking people into buying crap they didnt need. He didnt do anything of value, but he looked damn good while he didnt do it and he was paid handsomely. He sold his advertising agency to the ancient Romans just days before the advertising industry took a downturn. Advertising was well established by then. Adam and Eve wore Prada fig leaves around 6000 BC. Noahs ark was a BMW that was sold to him as a fixer upper by a ReMax saleslady named June. These facts were well advertised in ancient times. The first print ad was inserted sometime between 1400 and 1450 BC. It was a four-color spread ad for erectile dysfunction with an additional half page of indications, directions, and contraindications. A bellyband around the outside announced the arrival of the inside ad. The entire package was shrink wrapped with more promotional information. The ad, of course, was placed in the 10 Commandments brought forth by Moses, the lawgiver. He had to obtain a second copy of the 10 commandments because his company was responsible for poor color replication when it printed the ads for the first set. Few people notice the bottle of salad dressing on the far end of the table in Michelangelos painting of the Last Supper. Photoshop wasnt invented yet. It wasnt a fark. It was plainly advertising. In the U.S., Volney B. Palmer opened the first American advertising agency in Philadelphia in 1841.
6,000 BC - Aging. Like death, aging cant be stopped. History doesnt record who aged first; some say Adam, some say the snake, some say the apple, some say Eve, who harvested Botox from the snake, making her aging very unlikely. Ha ha. Just kidding. Everyone knows Botox comes from goats. They all aged equally in linear fashion according to the laws of gravity and Copernicus and advanced trigonometry, which we use daily. Aging sucks.
6,000 BC - Suckers emerge. Gullible people. In a biblical sense, Adam and Eve were the first suckers. They lost a game of chance with a snake, dooming the rest of us to a miserable existence. This timeline is riddled with the “accomplishments” of suckers. History, however, documents “shell games” and “card tricks” among single-celled advertising agents billions of years ago.
3,000 BC - First insurance/insurance agents emerge. History records that insurance had its roots in early Egypt, but we think that’s wrong. Because DNA analyses prove that insurance agents emerged from primordial slime billions of years ago, it’s a safe bet that animals from dinosaurs to monkeys were encouraged to protect their families “from catastrophic illnesses and events beyond their control”. Monkeys and early man probably had tree and then cave insurance. History records that the first wheel had collision insurance. Health and life insurance policies were often written for cavemen. Some policies even had saber-toothed tiger and wooly mammoth exclusions. A fat lot of good insurance did the dinosaurs. History records that dinosaurs are extinct today not because a meteor struck the earth, but because a stegosaurus named Sid had the audacity to file a claim. As a result, the world simply blew up and the few dinosaurs that didn’t perish had premiums that increased drastically or their coverage was cancelled. Just like today. Some U.S. companies provided insurance before the Revolutionary War.
2,800 BC - First politician emerges. The Bible says Nimrod from Ethiopia was the first politician. Just what in the hell kind of name is Nimrod anyway? Nimrod may have founded the city of Babylon. While this is all well and good, DNA shows that the first politician crawled out of primordial slime billions of years ago, probably as a snake or weasel. It is also known that attached to the first politicians ass via a naso-anal adapter was the first lobbyist, who emerged from the slime (Can they ever really emerge?) with his pockets stuffed full of campaign contributions and a list of pork projects for which he sought funds.
2,350 BC - Laws/lawyers emerge. The concept of laws dates back to the Mesopotamian kings. Laws were useful so youd know how youd be punished if you committed a no-no: Stoning, forcible loss of eyes, ears, tongue and/or nose, castration, feet amputation, and death, etc. The first law school was established around 1100 AD in Italy; however, we all know from reptilian DNA analyses that lawyers emerged as snakes from primordial slime billions of years ago.
2,300 - 500 BC - Astrology / horoscopes emerge. Many cultures contributed to astrology including the ancient Babylonians and Greeks. What sucks for us is the inane language in horoscopes. “Put your feet up and relax more!” Wouldn’t we all if we could? “Kick your heels up and let your naughty side come out tonight!” No, I think I’ll just stay home and masturbate. “Don’t suppress your creativity and imagination!” Crap, I thought I’d just come to work today and do a shitty job for my clients and give them my worst efforts. Pays the same. “Aim for more of what you want!” Gee, I’d like to, but I’m too busy aiming for what other people want. Stoopid.
2,000 BC - First religion emerges. Abraham founded Judaism 4,000 years ago. There were probably other religions unrecorded by history. Its a pretty safe bet that the first religious war started the very afternoon the first person got religion.
2,000 BC - Siphoning. Siphoning is a great “that sucks” activity. Water can be siphoned from a canal to irrigate parched fields (that’s good). Money can be siphoned into illicit bank accounts (that’s bad). So, ok, siphoning can be good or bad, depending on whether you are caught or not. Probably money was siphoned away long before water.
1,900 BC - Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed. These two cities were scorched into oblivion as fire and brimstone rained down from the heavens. Members of the homeowners associations, who were initially pissed because of declining property values, died with other heathen who occupied these cities. Only Lot’s family escaped; however, his wife looked back at the carnage and was turned into a pillar of salt. Posthumously, she became a poster “child” for the salt industry. To be smote thusly would suck.
1,200 BC - Trojan Horse gallops into history. The Greek siege on Troy lasted for 10 years before the Greeks got smart and built a giant, wooden horse with a hollow belly. A handful of armed Greek warriors climbed into the horses belly while the rest pretended to sail away. The Trojans accepted the horse as an offering of peace, pulled it inside the city of Troy, and got drunk. Later that night, when those incapacitated by drink were passed out and those close to the tipping point were fornicating up a storm, the Greeks inside the horse crawled out and killed the Trojan sentries. The gates were then opened to the Greek army, which had sailed back while the Trojans were drinking. The moral of the story is beware of Greeks bearing gifts especially if youre a drunk sucker.
469-399 BC - Suckrates. Twin brother of the Greek philosopher Socrates. He was more the Athens village idiot than a philosopher.
460-377 BC - Suction cups were invented. Hippocrates is thought to have invented the first suction cup as an alternative to bloodletting. The pharmaceutical leech community fought his invention by publishing several scientific papers denigrating the efficacy of “cupping” vs. the established efficacy of medical-grade leeches and by showering medical professionals with gifts at national tradeshows. They also lobbied politicians for tax breaks.
30 AD - Five loaves and two fishes. Jesus was lecturing to the masses about the power of goodness one afternoon when the crowd got the munchies. No one had food except a little boy who had the foresight to stop by QuikTrip on the way to the lecture. After the elders confiscated his stash, they presented the haul to Jesus: Five jawbreakers, six Jolly Ranchers, a salted nut roll, a 2-liter Diet Coke, five loaves, and two fishes. Jesus, cognizant of the legal ramifications of replicating “branded” food without compensation to the manufacturer, took only the loaves and fishes, replicated them, and fed thousands. Everyone went home satisfied and lawsuits were averted. Brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it? We wonder what would Jesus do today if he were confronted with the same hungry mob. Probably serve up some Kool-Aid, a macaroni casserole or meatloaf (but not on Friday), or something made with Sermon on the Mount Helper. All kidding aside, hunger sucks.
400 AD - Death of de Pussy. Madam Wisigard Gomatrudis de Pussy was killed in a freak accident involving alcohol and circus midgets. Historical details are sketchy.
900 AD - Suck. Suck is derived from the Middle English word suken, which is derived from the Old English word Sûcan.
1215 AD - Jury duty invented. Trial by jury dates back to the Magna Carta in 1215, and has been a fundamental U.S. concept to protect the weak from the tyranny of the powerful. The sixth and seventh amendments to the U.S. Constitution guarantee every person the right to a jury trial. Jury duty is a bunch of bullshit. Were supposed to vote. But when you do, you automatically become eligible for jury duty. Can you say double jeopardy? If you are summoned for jury duty, its a cosmic constant that you will be selected. You cant get out of it even if you have a good reason, like being the Unabomber. If you were on fire, youd stand a better chance of a bunch of nuns dropping their drawers and pissing on you to put it out than your chances of getting out of jury duty. If we worked for some (other) moron instead of for ourselves we wouldnt mind jury duty so much, but when we dont work, we dont get paid. Then theres the princely compensation: $10/day plus mileage. Civic duty my ass. Its more like a festering pantload of nonsense. To argue otherwise would be foolish and socially irresponsible. Cant wait for my summons to arrive in the mail today after writing this.
1400s - Cigarettes were invented. Native Americans invented cigarettes and introduced tobacco to Columbus and his men. Lung cancer was discovered that very afternoon. A preemptive strike for us taking their land, we suppose.
1431-1476 AD - Vlad Dracula lived. Count Dracula of Transylvania fame wasnt a vampire, but was bloodthirsty nevertheless; he had a nasty habit of impaling his friends and enemies on large sharpened stakes. He reportedly killed between 100,000 and 600,000 people. High stakes in those days.
1500 AD - Vampire bats were discovered. Vampire bats are found throughout Central and South America, and generally leave people alone. We know some people we wish would garner a visit. Repeatedly.
1500 AD - Succubus. A demon in female form said to have sex with men in their sleep. Plural: succubi. Thats not all bad. And we just thought those wet spots were nocturnal emissions. Alrighty then. We were having more fun than we knew. Just guessing at the time, since theyre mythical anyway.
1500 AD - Succulents were discovered. The plants were here long before the despoilers. Succulent plants such as sedum and cacti don’t suck; in fact, succulents are the That Sucks’ site plant. Succulents supposedly were native to the New World. One thing that does suck is this: Apparently Agave, the plant from which tequila is made isn't really a succulent. Who knew?
1503-1566 AD - Nostrasuckus lived. Most people have heard of Nostradamus, but his twin brother, Nostrasuckus is virtually unknown. Nostrasuckus was a seer who predicted things and events that would suck. To date, none of his predictions have come true, though many things do suck. We have no idea how he couldn’t have gotten something right.
1596 AD - Toilet was invented. Thomas Crapper is credited for the invention, and because of his name, he gets our vote; however, Sir John Harrington, is reported to have made the first toilet for his godmother, Queen Elizabeth.
1596 AD - Toilet plunger was invented. Where in Gods name would we be without the toilet plunger? Ten search engine screens didnt provide the answer, so we dont know who invented the toilet plunger or when. So, well put it in the same timeframe as the toilet. Nifty device though. Toilet plungers: Scepters of common folk, arrows of cartoon and sitcom characters. Plunge on! Suck on!
1609-1642 AD - Sir. John Suckling. The man with the golden name wrote this beauty:
Love is the fart
Of every heart;
It pains a man when ’tis kept close,
And others doth offend, when ’tis let loose.
1643 AD - Evangelista Torricelli experiment. Torricelli was the first guy to prove that vacuums existed. Also discovered the mercury barometer. Smart dude.
1650 AD - Vacuum pump invented. Otto Von Guerick invented the first vacuum pump. So many applications .
1665 AD - Gravity discovered. Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity, a giant sucking force, thus establishing his place as the patron saint of That Sucks. He is widely known for asking friends and colleagues, “Got gravity”? Everyone knows how much mileage the dairy industry has made from his utterance (not udderance).
1755-1793 AD - Marie Internette. Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, who allegedly said, “Let them eat cake”, had a twin sister whose name was Marie Internette.
Marie Internette co-invented the Internet with Al Gore. Like her sister, Marie Internette was beheaded. In Ms. Internette’s case, angry computer users whacked her head off after she uttered the phrase, “Let them have spam”.
1791 AD - First U.S. Bank was chartered. It was created to handle the financial needs of the central government, which had previously been 13 individual colonies with their own banks and financial institutions. That very afternoon the first Nigerian prince scam emerged. Thomas Jefferson was sent a note, by pony express, promising him $10 million if he provided his banking information to this foreign prince.
1800s AD - Bloodsuckers take front and center. Leeches were indispensable for bloodletting in previous times; a practice deemed a cure for virtually anything that ailed ya, presumably including dandruff and hangnails. They had the ability to suck out vile vapors and such. There was even a popular advertising campaign called “Got Leeches”? Leeches fell from favor as medical science advanced, only to make a comeback recently for removing from blood engorged organs following reattachment (e.g., severed fingers). We’re sure there are plenty of women who would like to attach a few dozen medical grade leeches to their husbands’ pecker after ingestion of drugs for erectile dysfunction, but that’s another story. A leech is said to consume five times its weight in blood and then fall off after feeding. Probably some women wish their husbands’ pecker would fall off, but we digress once more.
1800s AD - First tornadoes seen. Tornadoes suck. F-5s are the worst suckers. One in Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana killed 695 people.
1840 AD - Pneumatic tube invented. Samuel Clegg and Jacob Selvan received a patent in the U.S. for inventing the pneumatic tube, a device that sucks your hard earned paycheck into your bank at the drive through window before it is dispersed to your hundreds of creditors before you go home and wonder how youll feed your kids for the next month.
1845 AD - Decompression. Divers know all about decompression. Decompression means to relieve of pressure. As such that creates a partial or complete vacuum. We can hear the sucking already
1853 AD - Hypodermic syringe invented. Charles Gabriel Pravaz, a French surgeon, and Alexander Wood, a Scottish physician, independently invented the hypodermic syringe. Although its first use was supposedly to inject morphine, the syringe is recognized here for its ability to extract (suck out) bodily fluids such as blood specimens.
1862 AD - Income taxes make Americans puke blood. Congress enacted the first income tax law in 1862 to support the Civil War. We dont need to elaborate further about how taxes suck.
1865 AD - Subway was invented. Alfred Beach built a giant pneumatic tube in New York City that was Americas first subway. Not the fast food chain. Jared and his fat-ass pants came later.
1869 AD - “There’s a sucker born every minute”. George Hull utters the accurate and memorable quote, which was often, but incorrectly attributed to P. T. Barnum.
1876 AD - Telephone was invented. Alexander Graham Bell is thought by some to not have invented the telephone. We dont have time to sort fact from fiction, so well say he did. The evening of the very day he invented the telephone, during dinner, the first telemarketer called. The rest is history and it sucks. Too bad he didnt concurrently invent the no call list.
1883 AD - According to the Online Daily of the University of Washington, Joseph Pojel, a French performer, made a living off of farting. His stage name was “The Fartiste”, and he was said to have sold out the Moulin Rouge repeatedly as people flocked to hear the sounds emanating from his butt. He could also suck gas and liquids into his rectum. Nurses were posted at his shows to attend to the medical needs of people who would pass out from laughter.
1884 AD - Pumper truck was invented. The horse drawn pumper truck for fighting fires emerged in the mid to late 1890s. Later, suction trucks were used from everything to removing solid wastes (think septic tanks as one example) to sucking prairie dogs from their domiciles, a fact much lamented by the prairie dog homeowners association. Prairie dog civil rights attorneys protested that sucking prairie dogs from their homes at speeds up to 300 mph and then sending the captured pests to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, violated civil rights laws. Ashcroft is on it.
1885 AD - Automobile was invented. Karl Benz, a German mechanical engineer, designed and built the world’s first practical automobile powered by an internal-combustion engine. Henry Ford rolled out the Model T in 1908, and developed the assembly line for manufacturing automobiles. The very afternoon that Mr. Benz invented the automobile, the first used car salesman called his wife and asked, “Little lady, you deserve your own horseless carriage. What would it take to earn your business”?
1888 AD - Drinking straws were invented. Marvin Stone patented the process to manufacture the first paper drinking straw. Hundreds of applications from electronic to automobile parts followed.
1889 AD - Suction cups for developing and enlarging womens breasts were invented. J. W. Greene patented a new bosom form, which used suction cups in an attempt to increase the bust size of under endowed women. A form for under endowed men would follow shortly. We can understand why a man would develop such a thing for women, but we wonder why it came (sorry) before the 1900 invention. Come on, ever since the first monkey found that his penis could get hard, he wondered whether it could get bigger and harder. When he got older, he wondered how he could keep his penis from going soft. Frankly, we expected these inventions millions of years ago.
1892 AD - Thermos vacuum bottle was invented. Sir James Dewar, a chemist and physicist, developed the Dewar flask or vacuum bottle for storing hot or cold liquids. His invention consisted of two flasks, one inside the other, separated by a vacuum (that’s the suck part)
1897 AD - Bram Stoker published Dracula. Everyone knows this sucktoid. Scared the crap out of everyone
1900 AD - Penis enlargement vacuum pump was invented. Did it work? No it did not. Secure and discreet ordering from several online sites was touted. Just kidding. Are there pumps for other organs? My pancreas feels puny these days.
1901 AD - Vacuum cleaner was invented. Herbert Cecil Booth, a British engineer, received a patent for the vacuum cleaner. It was a big sucker; two horses were required to transport it from job to job. Now, there are vacuum cups, lifters, pumps, etc. Everything for your sucking needs. Well, not everything.
1901 AD - First penis caught in vacuum cleaner. It happened the very afternoon the vacuum cleaner was invented. Noted without further comment.
1903 AD - First powered airplane flight occurred. On December 17, 1903, the Wright brothers make the first flight, lasting just 12 seconds. They only received 120 feet of frequent flyer miles and no Marriott points. That sucks.
1910 AD - Suction cup nursing attachment was invented. H. B. Cunningham invented this device to save women from the embarrassment of exposing their breasts in public while nursing. We wish he wouldnt have. It was quite a contraption actually. Look for pictures on the web. You wont believe it.
1916 AD - Lollipops (suckers) were invented. Samuel Born, a Russian immigrant, was given the keys to San Francisco for inventing the Born Sucker Machine, a lollipop making machine. And we thought most people were “born” suckers (and remain that way).
1918 AD - Fortune cookies emerge. David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle company is credited with inventing the fortune cookie in Los Angeles. That afternoon, enterprising entrepreneurs, recognizing that most people are not fortunate, introduced the misfortune cookie, which contained negative, but truthful messages.
1919 AD - Ponzi scheme. Carlo Ponzi had a deal for you! He would double your money in just 90 days, guaranteed. He made more than a million dollars per week during the scheme’s heyday. About 40,000 people were suckered in and entrusted Ponzi with an estimated $15 million. When the scheme collapsed, five banks went under and Ponzi went to jail only to resurface in Florida where he came up with a pyramid land scheme. He promised that an initial $10 investment would explode into $5,300,000 in just two years. He lied. Again. God, people are such incredible suckers. Would you like to buy something from us?
1924 AD - Although fire was used to cauterize wounds more than 5,000 years ago, Harvey Cushing and William Bovie invented the first true electrocautery unit for surgery in 1924. Vladimir Bartfartski of Denver, an unfortunate hemorrhoid sufferer of limited means and lesser intelligence, was blown up that very afternoon when unsuspecting physicians ignited rectal gas.
1926 AD - Suction cup dart was invented. N. E. Samsel invented the dart with a suction cup on the end. A toy unsurpassed for shooting annoying uncles at Christmas. One of us shot a priest once in the forehead with a suction dart. That persons parents wouldnt buy into the argument that the perp was doing research in an attempt to manufacture a rapid-fire (Gatling) gun that would shoot ashes in the shape of the cross for Ash Wednesday. He did not receive dinner that night. The perp, not the priest. The research continues.
1930s - Seersucker cotton fabric invented. Contains the word suck, and that’s enough for us.
1931 AD - Dracula the movie premieres. There are many Dracula movies, but the one starring Bela Lugosi was best.
1939 AD - Tornado in the Wizard of Oz. The classic movie didn’t suck, but the “twister” was reported to be a sock.
1941 AD - Never Give a Sucker an Even Break. What would a That Sucks timeline be without a W. C. Fields entry?
1941 AD - Sucker punch. Boxers are familiar with these unexpected cheap shots. They probably occurred throughout history. The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941 rates as one of historys low blows.
1945 AD - Mike the Headless Roosters head dies. Mike, an avian pacifist, was minding his own business in 1945 when his owners mother-in-law decided to visit. The mother-in-law preferred to eat chicken neck meatGod only knows whyso the farmer cut Mikes head off leaving a long neck for culinary purposes. So Mike was beheaded, leaving enough brainstem tissue to support respiration and cardiac function. The high cut saved Mikes life, but Mike probably wished there was no beheading at all. Mikes body lived although a cat is said to have eaten his head.
1947 AD - Mike the Headless Rooster’s body dies. Mike lived for 18 months without a head, which is remarkable, unless you consider the lifespan of those elected to public office, especially at a national level. Oh wait. They have heads. With apologies to Billy Idol and “Eyes Without a Face”, Heads Without Brains but with Loud Wagging Tongues.
1948 AD - Reality television emerges. Candid Camera, which didnt suckwho didnt like Allen Funt?can claim to be the first reality television show. The drivel that followed from Americas Funniest Home Videos in which adults denigrate themselves and their pets and children to Survivor, Joe Millionaire, the Bachelorette, and the rest of this ilk really sucks. If you watch this crap, get a life.
1950 AD - Suction cup rattle was invented. B. Gelardin invented a rattle with a suction cup on the end that could be attached to a hard surface such as a highchair tray. As a result, weary parents could leave their child amused in his or her chair while they slunk off to create the next precious addition to the family.
1959 AD - Pantyhose were invented. Allen Gant of Glen Raven Mills in North Carolina invented the nylon chastity belt, er, pantyhose, a bane to women and an impediment to amorous men everywhere. His invention sucks. It did for digital sex what Enron did for the stock market. Thank God for panties and their cool, hygienic cotton crotches. And for camel toes, too.
1961 AD - Dress for Success was published. John T. Malloy is America’s premier scientific image consultant and clothing researcher. He is the author of Dress for Success. The very afternoon Mr. Malloy’s first book was published, a competing group published “Dress for Suckcess”.
1968 AD - Macarthur Park. We could understand this abomination coming from Lord Voldemort but not Professor Dumbledore. Jesus!
1971 AD - E-mail was invented. Ray Tomlinson developed e-mail in 1971, and we think it’s great. The first spam message was sent to Ray Tomlinson that very afternoon. It probably dealt with increasing the size of his penis or some Nigerian money-laundering scheme
1971 AD - Muskrat Love. Thank you Captain and Tennille for this blight on our musical history.
1972 AD - Black holes were discovered. Black holes suck matter from stars and eventually swallow them. Our own sun probably will be sucked inside a black hole in 2 to 3 billion years. It would be good not to live that long. Black holes, the mother of all things that suck.
1973 AD - The Sting. Great movie. Lots of suckers in it though.
1974 AD - Liposuction was invented. Dr. Giorgio Fischer invented liposuction in Italy. He was a gynecologist. We cant connect the dots on this one.
1976 AD - Foot operated breast enlarger pump was invented. Four million U.S. women paid $9.95 for the foot operated breast enlarger in 1976. It consisted of three large cups, clear plastic tubing, and a pump. It also didnt work unless your goal was to change the color of your breasts from normal to black and blue. Maybe thats how blue balls came to be, too. See 1900.
1976 AD - Sophie’s Choice. William Styron’s book was a great but sad read, so it didn’t suck. It’s mentioned here because Sophie compliments a man for his seersucker suit, except she didn’t say seersucker. See 1992-2000.
1977 - Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles. The sad event was memorialized on a totem pole created from a bovine vertebral column.
1982 AD - Larry Walters escapades. In July 1982, Larry tied 42 helium-filled balloons to a lawn chair in San Pedro, California. His hope was to fly across the desert to the Rocky Mountains, while regulating his flight by shooting the weather balloons with a BB gun. Larry, unfortunately shot into the air at over 1,000 feet per minute. Eventually he reached 16,000 feet, lost his BB gun, and drifted into LAX airspace where a TWA pilot saw him in his lawn chair. Now this story doesnt suck and neither does Larry. What sucks is this great space pioneer didnt succeed.
1985 AD - Successories. Mac Anderson and colleagues started Successories in 1985; a competitor launched “Suckcessories” that very afternoon.
1988 AD - Flowbee Precision Home Vacuum Haircut System. It cuts. It sucks. Rick Hunt, a carpenter, allegedly invented the Flowbee when he saw how well an industrial vacuum was able to suck sawdust from his hair.
1992-2000 - Bill Clinton was in the White House. And Monica Lewinsky became an intern. Who knows when he started to not have oral (sucking) sex with that woman? Maybe then. Maybe not. Depends on the definition of “when”.
1994 AD - The Hudsucker Proxy. We had to include it because it contains the word “sucker”.
1995 AD - Jet-assisted takeoff rockets go civilian. We don’t care what the naysayers say, the Darwin Awards story about the guy who attached a JATO rocket to his station wagon did happen and he did become “irrelevant” after the car became airborne a mile or so before it crashed into a cliff in the Arizona desert. The doubting Thomas’ in the world suck.
2001 - Enron meltdown. These “bright guys” really suck. Good thing our elected leaders (and those appointed, too) closed all the loopholes so it never happens again. Star Wars? It should be “Behind Bar Wars”.
2001 - Jihad terrorist attack.
2003 - Spiderman. Everyone saw the movie, so well talk about something else. There is a real life spiderman who uses sucker cups and air pumps to climb the worlds tallest buildings. His name is Dan Goodwin.
2003 - Suckerville, Maine. We dont know anything about Suckerville, Maine, but thats not because we didnt try. Its a great name for a town. Not.
2003 - That Sucks copyrights. It’s true. That Sucks is a registered trademark with the United States Patent and Trademark Office. We’re not apologizing for anything. Yet.
2003 - Your first date. This could have gone anywhere on the timeline, but that’s not the point. It did suck, didn’t it?
2005 - National That Sucks Day established. April 15, every year. Just like taxes. Please reference Chase’s Calendar of Events for more details.
2006 - National That Sucks Day endures. And why not? If the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off. Please refer to Chase’s Calendar of Events for more information.
2006 - That Sucks story of the year. This story registered 10 out of 10 on the Suck-O-Meter. Listen closely: THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SHOT AN OLD MAN IN THE FACE WITH A SHOTGUN IN AN HUNTING ACCIDENT. The Veep said the target looked like a bird! In an orange vest. Well, we guess Superman and Underdog looked like birds, too, but goddamn. “Look, up in the sky, it’s a plane, it’s a bird, it’s a frog! No it’s a lawyer! Ready! Shoot! Aim! (Ironically, that’s our policy in Mesopotamia, but that’s another story.) A spokesperson said the victim really got “peppered.” Ouch! That hurts! What would Cheney (Let’s all sing the songs “Cheney’s Got a Gun” and the “First Time Ever I Shot your Face.”) do to liberal democrats. Or, we could all just go “fuck ourselves” (Cheney’s words). And That Sucks! As if we needed more proof we elect idiots to public office.
2007 - Spam still sucks. Here’s some sex spam we received in one day in 2007 recorded verbatim (and we didn’t know our ex-girlfriends still had our e-mail addresses).
Is your Dick can’t stand up & not hard enough? Your girl…
Man, listen to me, give yourself 3 inches longer
Are you still with short schlong?
Why so small thing man?
LOL man, why is your meat so small? J :)
Bigger Size, Bigger Pleasure
Small sausage not big problem anymore!
Why so small member man?
Pump your weenie
Why your thing is so small?
Be sexual giant all night long
Then there’s this: Build more SPERM in your PENIS, 500% more…(and silly us, We thought our balls made sperm, not our dicks). The things you learn on the web. So much for the effectiveness of vasectomies, which tie off the vas deferens leading from the testicles. Vasectomies to tie off your balls apparently are a worthless medical procedure. If you use this amazing sperm-producing product, you’ll need something to strangulate your dick to prevent the release of 500% more sperm, for birth control. Mrs. Bobbitt may have an answer.
Speaking of spam, would you open something that had these in the subject line?
Документарное оформление обязательств. Сем инар 2 апреля dirry zcwub
?????????? ???? Beefeater wmcptuab
Инна, пора худеть!
Автоматизация бухгалтерского учета
Happens everyday. And why is Beefeater in there? Everyday, it just so happens none of this BS gets opened
February 9, 2007 - The death of the suckmeister. Oh it’s true, damn true. The suckmeister collapsed. 911 was called. Ambulance appeared. Real EMTs, who cut off the suckmeister’s favorite That Sucks t-shirt (the t-shirt didn’t suck, the EMT action did). No pulse. No blood pressure. Terminal breathing. Grayer than a gray horse’s ass. Sweating like a pig in Death Valley. The good news (for some of us) is it only took him 90 seconds to arise from the dead, unlike other historical figures (way faster than J.C.). The bad news: ain’t no light at the end of tunnel and besides he saw his shadow so there were several more weeks of Lent. No fuckin’ angels, no candles, nothing. But then maybe he went to the other place, and they kicked him out.
2007 - New Jersey man acquitted for driving a Zamboni drunk while on an ice rink. The suck part is he got a ticket in the first place. Seems as though you can drive one of those ice-smoothing things drunk because they’re not made for the highway. Besides, even if they were, what’s the worst that can happen? At 4 miles/hour what’s it gonna do? Run over your dog’s tail and freeze it to death? In a similar vein, one of us had a dog that played chicken with a street sweeper and lost. The dog was blind, deaf, and drunk, and liked to sleep in the middle of the street, just like one of those North Carolinians who get drunk and fall asleep in the middle of the road. His hair was completely brushed off one side and was very cleanon that side. That was the North Carolinian. The dog died. Now, the networks are contemplating a TV series based on bad girls driving Zambonis.
2007 - In New Orleans, fifth grade girls and boys have sex in a classroom in front of other kids, with no adult supervision. All parents and teachers should be proud of the new curriculum: readin’, writin’, rithmetic, and raucous behavior. They’ll have much to discuss on parent’s-teacher’s day. For now, let’s just say it sucks.
2007 - Recrudescence of O.J. “If I Did It.” Who doubts you did? Good call from the publisher to kill a stupid book idea. O.J., you suck and so does your alleged book. Remember, if the book jacket fits you killed your wife, the book ain’t fiction, and you’re full of shit(s).
2007 - Anna Nicole Smith is dead. The gold digger gets gold dug. We’d like a list of all the men in the USA who haven’t claimed to be the father to her hundreds of millions of dollars (we mean child) other than us? We’re dirt poor, but we’re running the other way, and expect to remain that way.
2007 - Rehabbing celebs. The runner-up story of the year (so far), and it registers an 8.5 on the Suck-O-Meter scale involves Britney Spears. What can you say? She has two young kids. She’s in the process of divorcing a person with less talent than she has. Now, she decides to go on a party spree with Paris Hilton, sans panties with a shaved beaver. Nothing wrong with the last two, but she seems to have crotch shot her way out of a career. It might be easier to give her a wedgie than for her to regain her singing career. But then people come back, so who knows. Have you ever noticed that anyone who hangs with Paris Hilton, except Paris, ends up in rehab? Nicole. Lindsay. Britney. Sure, they may only last a day or two. For some reason, therapeutic maybe, Britney’s response to the exposure (pubic and public) was to shave part of her head and enter rehab. That’s what celebrities with money do when they screw up these days. No apologies, just rehab. Cocaine addiction? Rehab. Alcohol addiction? Rehab. Meth addiction. Rehab. Cheat on your wife? Rehab. Swear racial epithets? Rehab. Fondle interns? Rehab. Broken leg? Rehab. Premature ejaculation? Rehab. Wear diapers and attempt to kidnap someone? Rehab. Ringworm? Rehab. Hangnail? Rehab. You get the idea. It sounds like one of Gary Larsen’s cartoons, which did not suck. It’s fashionable to enter rehab and if you are reading this maybe you should check in.
2007 - Crazy astronauts. The story that sucks the most this year (so far) is that of the crazy astronaut. That’s a solid 10 of 10 on the Suck-O-Meter. We are led to believe that this female astronaut put on a wig and a diaper and drove 900 miles to do in a cohort astronaut who may or may not have been docking amorously with a companion male astronaut. Sounds like a ménage a Tang (poon, perhaps) to us. (Editor’s note: if they were country and western singers it would be a ménage a Twang.) She pled not guilty so let’s not prejudge. But let’s talk a bit. OK, so I’m going to kill a guy who is seeing the same girl. Let me see…I spend a week choosing weapons. I think I’ll pick a BB gun, pepper spray (I’m surprised it wasn’t Tang spray or a Tang enema), and a mallet. A BB gun? What the fuck? NASA is our symbol for the last frontier; its for outer space, Buck Rogers, Star Wars, lasers, vaporizing people. So a BB gun is NASA’s weapon of choice? So we’ll fight aliens from outer space with BB guns? And here’s this, my car doesn’t get 900 miles to a tank of gas. So if I’m the alleged perp and I’m out there pumping gas in my diaper? And no one notices? Also, I have a flaw in my metabolism, I can drive 900 miles but it would take me 13 hours. Gotta stop for food. Do I go into one of those places that says “no diaper, no service?” Or do I get fast food at the drive through? And no one notices? What if I have to stay overnight at Motel 6? I can hear that conversation now. The clerk says, “Welcome to Motel 6. Don’t forget to leave your breakfast service menu card on the door before you go to sleep. Also, we can clean your poopy diaper while you sleep. Just put it in the laundry bag and then on the door next to your food request. There’s a Journey song called Faithfully with a line that goes something like “Through space and time…” I’m thinking no more space for this chick but maybe plenty of time. A solid 10 on the Suck-O-Meter scale.
2007 - Bugs that mean business suck, and not just sucking bugs like mosquitoes, ticks, and lice. Although we did like the Lice Girls in concert. The wasp spider male comes a knocking and shaking on a female’s web. That’s his way of letting her know he wants to copulate just like the rest of us, except we never thought of knocking on a woman’s web, but if we did we’d probably be in jail. After a few seconds of blissful sex, the female either eats the male or he escapes, and in 80% of the cases, the tip of his genital (i.e., dick) breaks off creating a natural chastity belt preventing promiscuous copulation with other male wasp spiders, but presumably not instant dinner. Lose my life or my dick? Or both. Double hit. Gives new meaning to getting eaten. This phenomenon was recently reported in the Journal of Behavioral Ecology. Sort of reminds me of a great line in Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to all Creation (paraphrasing): “He came to get laid but instead got laid to rest.”
2007 - Photo ops. Don’t do them. Here’s some of our president from previous years.
Bush and Pope. Here we see our upstart leader, his Oilyness, cavorting with his Holiness, Pope John Paul II. Notice the exasperation displayed by his Holiness as he finally comes to grips with just how much of an idiot our leader is? Even his Holiness realizes prayers won’t work with his Oilyness.
Bush pardons turkey. Well, this is confusing. We’re not sure who should be the turkey and who should be doing the pardoning. After close scrutiny, the Thanksgiving turkey is the one that looks like a bird, not a chimp. We expect the VP probably shot the turkey in the face behind the White House soon after the pardoning ceremony.
Bush reading a book upside down. We didn’t realize the “education” president was so talented. He can read a book upside down and backwards, too. Those of us with lesser talents will have to get along with “Is us learning?” We is learning about him and don’t like what we is learning. Courtesy of “Leave no president behind.”
Bush with binoculars. So, here are some generals telling our “decider who will decide what’s best” about the war. Which war, we don’t have a clue. Mr. Decider, best to take those lens caps off before you make those long-range plans, but that hasn’t stopped you yet has it
2007 - Air travel. OK. There’s only been one fool in the history of air travel who ever tried to detonate his shoes. So, the rest of us, millions since then, have had to take off our shoes to have them x-rayed and probably sniffed. Like who wants that? We don’t guess they ever found anything, or there’d be red terror alerts. Not to mention liquids. And what about service at airlines? It sucks and is getting worse. Lost baggage. Sitting on runways for more than 10 hours? Now they want to give us a bill of rights. Why don’t they just fix the wrongs they bill us for? And what’s with their dire language anyway? Terminal? Final destination?
2007 - Now for some arts. Worst films for 2006: Basic Instinct 2 and BloodRayne. And we used to like Sharon Stone until the lizard ate her husband’s toe, calling into question the family smarts. Worst song: London Bridge by Fergie. Here’s just a sample:
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Are you ready for this?
Oh shit (oh shit)
It’s me, Fergie
Worst song ever: Starship’s “We Built this City.” Here’s an old down memory lane:
We built this city, we built this city on rock an’ roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock an’ roll
Say you don't know me, or recognise my face
Say you don't care who goes to that kind of place
Knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight
Too many runaways eating up the night
If you like any of this crap, may your radio dial, no matter where you turn it, always dial up a Clay Aiken song.
2007 - Sports. Your team didn’t win the Super Bowl, NCAA Tournament, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, World Series? Well then your team sucked. Your team was as sucky as 11 French mimes lined up to attack the Super Bowl Champ, Indiana Colts. “Oh I can’t touch you.” BAMMMM Like Peyton couldn’t zing a fastball through that covey of mimes (and we didn’t say mime fields)? Not baggin’ on women’s sports; at least they understand what a team is.